Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
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12:30 pm - Happy Ending
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Yesterday I saw the sun
Saw that life can sometimes be fun
I looked in the mirror and saw a big smile
Put on a dress and danced for a while
Yesterday I saw the light
And everything just somehow felt right
I have a secret that nobody knows
And it fills me with warmth to the tips of my toes
----
Today my secret was stolen from me
Beaten and broken and tossed out to sea
I'm left all alone in a world full of hate
Can't remember why I once thought life was so great
Today is dark, cloudy, and grey
It scared all of my smiling away
I can't see past the tears in my eyes
My heart full of nails, my head full of lies
There is no happy ending.
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(distract me)
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12:22 pm - Echo
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I won't take a step down
I won't be held back
When everything around me fades
To a sullen shade of black
I'll stick a knife into the sky
And slowly bring the light
Then maybe you will see me smile
My eyes were once so bright
But somehow I'm distracted
And now I've lost my way
I'm looking for a hand to hold
Lead me back to yesterday
I want to shed my scars
I want to be set free
You said I never ask for help
But maybe you just couldn't see
So now my cry is out there
Waiting to be heard
And when the light finally comes
I won't feel so absurd
I hope I won't feel so absurd
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(distract me)
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12:15 pm - Blurbs
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"you stuck a knife into my stomach today
but i can't seem to remove it
because it takes two hands to hold up these dreams
and i can't drop them just because i'm bleeding."
--------
"will someone please tell me
i don't understand,
why every person i meet
has blood on their hands"
--------
"i walked along the beach today
met a one-eyed walrus
who told me i could live forever
that's too easy, what's the catch?
just bring the king his bidding
he's looking for some heads to sever"
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(distract me)
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12:10 pm - Transitions
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Lately I've been sinking
In a sea of memory
The things that I couldn't see
Transitions
Put me in this odd position
A bridge I can't seem to cross
Please tell me
Just what I'm waiting for
What am I waiting for?
Surround me
With a flood of energy
To lift me off my feet
Beaches whispering secrets
Of what I used to be
A solemn melody
Revealing
The monsters from my past
Can't happiness ever last
Disaster
It means something to me
So I'm running from destiny
Don't catch me
I'm not ready to lose
Give me something I can use
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(distract me)
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12:06 pm - Off Angel
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Such a funny looking angel
The fear shining in your eyes
Just how much longer
Can you put up with this disguise
Wings a bit too heavy
Voice a bit too grave
It's just becoming clear
There's too many of us to save
I can see the black inside you
I can see the tension grow
Did they tell you you should love this place
Or was it just a show
What is it you're waiting for
There's no such thing as time
And when you wear that tortured happy face
Every smile is a crime
Just another fallen angel
Your robes tattered and torn
And when the fire inside you dies
Where will it next be born
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(distract me)
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11:56 am - time
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wow, it's been a while since i updated, which doesn't mean that i haven't been writing. most of the stuff below this entry really sucks.. hopefully the stuff above is better..
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(distract me)
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
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10:05 am - Carpenter's Son
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Who knew this would end so violently
Apparently, everyone but me
Optimism failed so terribly
Now I'm paying for your misery
Does it make you feel good
Mr. So Misunderstood
Now you feel justified
In all your lies
Does it hurt to say good bye
To your one safe aliby
Now you're doomed to the fate
You almost escaped
Twisted words, now who's the enemy
Manipulation, be afraid
Now it's just one bleeding memory
Will you ever wish that I had stayed
Does it make you feel good
Mr. So Misunderstood
Now you feel justified
In all your lies
Does it hurt to say good bye
To your one safe aliby
Now you're doomed to the fate
You almost escaped
Does the constant jealousy
Ever lead you on to see
Who can live this way
And not expect to pay
But my time with you is through
Not much else that I can do
I'll now leave silently
And only care for me
Does it hurt to say good bye
To your one safe aliby
Now you're doomed to the fate
You almost escaped
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(1 distraction | distract me)
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10:01 am
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I'm being held hostage. The threat of suicide is forever hanging over my heart. While I could survive without you, the world does not deserve such a devestating loss. I will never bleed for another.
*******************************************
Freshly 18 and already the threat of death is breathing down her neck. She will not be killed, but when her first love takes his own life, it is inevitable that a piece of her will be lost in the wreckage.
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(distract me)
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9:59 am
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i dolled myself up
i was strong
i put on my best smile for you
but now all you'll get are tears
I breathed you in, I can breathe you out
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(distract me)
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9:43 am - irrationality
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It was all a show.
The last girl came before the best girl
and now I'm paying for all of your mistakes.
Just a fucking mess.
What truth lies behind your incessant eloquence,
just another show so all the world will watch you.
You want love but you look in all the wrong places.
I'm right in front of you.
But it's too late now, one drunken entry too many.
I won't sit around while your world falls apart.
You say you want to break someone.
Well you've succeeded,
But she's stronger than you anticipated.
She won't tell you, won't show it at all.
So what did we have there?
We stopped time but it caught up with us.
How long will we live in silence?
How long til the roof falls and buries us alive?
Just wasting time with a novelist,
so righteous.
Your double standards will eat you alive,
where's your god now?
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(distract me)
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9:41 am
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and you're happy to find it so hard,
so hard to find happiness.
so what do you say to someone
who smiles at their misery?
and what do you say to someone
who's lost all desire?
well, i'm not impressed.
i'm not impressed.
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(distract me)
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9:35 am - one bad night
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no one can be blamed for this
it happened so quickly
but what's to become of us
when you don't want to love me
and the hatred in your eyes
it stops my heart beating
but you say you don't mean it
and you say you don't mean it
so what are you doing here?
i'm not a bad person
i don't deserve this
i'm not a bad person
i'm not a bad person
i don't deserve this
i'm not a bad person
don't know what to feel again
still hear your words coming
so i guess my hearts broken now
can we ever get back there
and i've been on the verge of tears
all day thinking about you
but you're not worth my feelings
and you're not worth my feelings
so what am i doing here?
i'm not a bad person
i don't deserve this
i'm not a bad person
i'm not a bad person
i don't deserve this
i'm not a bad person
you're not a good person
you don't deserve me
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(1 distraction | distract me)
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Saturday, March 8th, 2003
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11:02 am - bad news
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i heard about your girl today
and i just sat down and cried
i know it sounds stupid but
all the hope that's in me died
so what to do with a broken heart
draw it on a shirt and make it smile
while inside it's crumbling away
well ain't that just the style
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(distract me)
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10:48 am - save honesty
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my eyes burn
but still they're open
i'm always hopin
for time so i can rest
take a look
you're not the first one
but not the last one
to see me in a mess
take your time with me tonight
save honesty
right now it isn't right
just say you love me
you'll always need me
and don't tell me it's a lie
one more day
your arms around me
your mind upon me
atleast that's what i thought
so what now
i think it's ending
my heart's still mending
from the last time we talked
take your time with me tonight
save honesty
right now it isn't right
just say you love me
you'll always need me
and don't tell me it's a lie
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(distract me)
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10:30 am - The question
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Doctor, will this woman live?
No, she's fading quickly,
the words rip through my heart.
Of course, a different question.
But, the same reaction,
the sun no longer shines.
On me or you tonight.
I lost it in the fight
For what I thought was right.
So what do you make of the full moon tonight?
Please open a window and let in the light.
Right now I'm starving, no I'm drowning
In the depths of in between
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(distract me)
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Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
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7:54 am - Saturday Night
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Please forgive me Ms. Delaney
I didn't mean to take away your son
I just wanted a good time
All I wanted was a little fun
Now I don't think it was worth it
Hosing blood off of my left headlight
He just wanted to walk under the stars
Now he'll never see another night
What could I possible say?
Rewind the movie please
I don't like the scene where that boy dies
Well I can't find the remote
So now I only dream in black and white
Gotta find something else to do on Saturday Night
A haunting picture remains in my mind
Of a boy who took his dying breath
He didn't say "I love you" to a girl
Or hug his mama before he left
Think of all the pain that's been caused
All the pictures he will never take
I won't ask you to smile at me, ma'am
I know it's something too hard to fake
Cause I insisted I'd drive
Rewind the movie please
I don't like the scene where that boy dies
Well I can't find the remote
So now I only dream in black and white
Gotta find something else to do on Saturday Night
** I wrote this for a contest that's going on for writing a piece discouraging drunk driving.
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(4 distractions | distract me)
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Sunday, January 5th, 2003
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6:55 pm - there should be more
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there should be more than what there is
whatever happened to keeping me safe
this castle's walls are easy to climb
and you have no light to keep the darkness away
i hate the way you talk
unless you're talking to me
i hate the way you look
unless you're looking at me
i hate this and i hate that
i hate everything, i take it back
i hate the way you laugh
unless you're laughing with me
there should be more than this broken mirror
whatever happened to keeping a promise
all that's left is that treacherous L word
not love, but lies plague my days
i hate the way you talk
unless you're talking to me
i hate the way you look
unless you're looking at me
i hate this and i hate that
i hate everything, i take it back
i hate the way you laugh
unless you're laughing with me
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(distract me)
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Friday, December 13th, 2002
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11:19 am - Happy Girl
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She speaks in code,
all laughs and giggles.
It's a language I don't speak;
Happy Girl.
She wears a smile,
all bright and shiny.
It doesn't fit on my face;
Happy Girl.
I'm running away,
away from these halls, these people.
I'm running away,
away from fake smiles, fake laughter.
But they're gaining on me.
Always gaining..
I slam the door,
want noise not silence.
I can't stand to be with you,
Happy Girl.
I shut it out,
now there's too much noise.
I can't find the doorway through,
Happy Girl.
I'm running away,
away from these halls, these people.
I'm running away,
away from fake smiles, fake laughter.
But they're gaining on me.
Always gaining..
Don't ever ask me what's wrong,
don't ask about my day.
Not unless you can handle,
can handle the answer.
I'm running away,
away from these halls, these people.
I'm running away,
away from fake smiles, fake laughter.
But they're gaining on me.
Always gaining..
current mood:  cold
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(distract me)
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Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
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9:24 am - Adolescence
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i know you've heard it before
yeah, that's right
here's another innocence was great song
youth
playing in the park
naked at the beach
no worries
no problems
wait a sec
who said that had to be so great?
what's wrong with
zits
confusion
and after school jobs
let's change things around
let's hear it for adolescence
for torn up love letters
for high school bathrooms
with no toilet paper and dirty floors
how about being dumped at the prom
making excuses for late homework
long sleeved shirts
to cover the marks of stress
wasn't that fun?
where's the excitement in afternoon naps
living on four hours is the deal of the time
don't tell mommy to kiss everything better
you're a big kid now
whipe your own ass
make your own lunch
buy your own drugs
dig your own grave
let's hear it for adolescence
for that monthly reminder that you're never too young to bleed
and never old enough to be right
how about curfews and heartbreak
waiting for SAT scores
and college acceptance letters
will you miss it?
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(distract me)
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Sunday, December 1st, 2002
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9:47 pm - success
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you're so protected and so damn secure.
but not enough to keep the poison out,
it's not enough to keep you hidden.
they'll find your soul and rip your heart out.
the blood on their hands will be a nice prize
along with the beaten look in your eyes.
don't try to crawl back to the comfort of home,
all that you'll find is a pile of ashes.
don't close your eyes this is far from a dream.
now let the tears come, followed by sobs.
now it's finally happened. you're broken.
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(distract me)
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january20th's journal